……..You, too, will be officially enrolled
in what we’ve come to call the Payment Plan,
….and while it’s true this isn’t optional,
our policyholders will, we think, attest
……..that parity is what we’re aiming for.
The plan is quite unique in that you pay
….in the universal currency of pain.
Our actuaries first consult the charts
……..and calculate, for someone of your age,
the ratio of grief to be applied
….based on tribulation indices,
and then a consultation is arranged.
……..One of us will come and sit with you
to individualize a strategy
….that fits what we believe you can endure.
We have a range of policies we think
……..are competitive in the marketplace of woe.
Despite our best advice, some people ask
….about the Harvard Plan. This plan ensures
that all affliction comes immediately
……..and overwhelmingly to guarantee
that you’ll go into shock and soon forget
….your password and your mother’s maiden name.
A DNR’s included in this plan,
……..and you can choose ahead who pulls the plug.
But this is probably not the one for you.
….We understand you have a narrative
that helps impart some meaning to your life.
……..Well, who would ever think it otherwise?
We’re open to most every point of view
….and can contextualize, on a sliding scale,
the water board, the billhook and the drill.
……..Installments every month are preferable.
We urge you to avoid delinquency
….and hope you know that interest will accrue,
as per the plan, on unpaid balances.