Cain Apologizing to His Dead Brother

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Brother, I do not know why I did it. Someone grabbed me by the collar and I choked, yes, I choked and thought I’d die. I did not wish to die. The panorama of life was what I wanted. To hold and be held, to live in the world and learn. To conquer? I hadn’t said that to myself but yes, I think now I must have wanted to conquer. There was so much of it! So much earth, so much vegetation, so many boulders, cliffs, a wealth of flowers, kinds of weather, seas as blue as sky, rivers twisting themselves into double entendres, the sun a large daisy blooming overhead. I raced out into it and, not knowing I would do it, not knowing I wanted it all, I killed you, brother, before I knew what I was doing. If I could bring you back I would. I miss your intelligence, your heart filled with concern, even concern for me. Had some unidentifiable darkness entered me? But why had it chosen me? Or was the desire to kill already consuming my soul? Is there anything left of my soul? I have no answers to my questions. None. Not even God has answers to my questions. Nor did he want to answer them. He loved Abel before me. Did he already know that I would murder my brother? Then why did he not warn me? I would have run to the edge of earth and thrown myself into the Underworld to avoid killing my brother. Abel, Abel. The world is wide, complex, and confusing, and my descendants rule it.