I know when I do good speeches
and I know when I do bad speeches
and there are a lot of other things I do good.
And one of the one of the good things I do,
it’s just one example, but let it stand,
I’ll get to it. It’s a good world,
people say it is anyway, I think so,
look around, there are a lot of bad people.
When I do good speeches people cheer,
even bad ones, they stand up and clap
they’re so good. Good, by the way, is close
to God, it’s just one letter away,
when people say my goodness it’s like
saying my God, but people, good people,
even bad ones, they learn not to take
God’s name in vain, and so they say
my goodness instead of my God.
The word actually comes from German,
gut, but when I see it in German it says
to me it says gutt and I
go by my guts, that’s why I’m President.
You know what uranium is, right?
This thing called nuclear weapons
and other things, like, lots
of things are done with uranium
including some bad things.
Chaos! My administration
is running like a fine-toothed machine
with one screw loose that’s become loose
because of all the vibrations coming from
the media, they’re not good vibrations,
they’re bad, do you know what happens
when a screw loosens and falls
out of where it is supposed to be supposed to be
holding together two things, what happens is
a total crisis in education and, really,
the most unbelievable thing you’ve ever seen.
The cake is fake cake because so much of the cake
is fake. The real deal here
is not ranting and raving. I just wanted
to begin by mentioning that. And so one more thing.
When I think back on my childhood
prepare yourselves, I remember so many things
terrific things, to be honest, really exceptional
moments I shared with, for whatever reason,
and it just makes sense, it’s very important
to me. The idea of home. Let’s put it that way.
It’s my memory, and it’s true, it’s good.
And I know what’s good. I know what’s bad. And when
they change it and make it really bad,
something that should be positive, they’ll make
okay. They’ll even make it negative.
And I ask myself, who are these people?
And at the end of the process
it’s as if I know, it’s as if I finally do
know who these people are, and folks,
it’s a disaster. My family. So we are just
getting started. And I’ll tell you what else
I see. I see tone. You know the word,
“tone.” Formal, informal, serious, comic,
sad, cheerful. Or it may be many other
existing attitudes. The tone is such hatred,
and I don’t want to be hacked
but if you look at the end of that word,
hatred, you will find there
the color red, the color red, that tone,
and he’s working so hard putting out fires
that are fake fires, so I understand it,
I see it because I’m there. Now, it takes a long time,
I’m talking about attention to details,
and once you isolate
in the word hatred that word red
it’s amazing how the mind works, you see
the word hat. But this isn’t Donald Trump
that divided a nation, this is Donald Trump
that divided a word, hatred, into two words
that everyone who loves this great country,
and it is going to be great again, believe me,
they wore it on their heads, the people,
it was like the yarmulke
of this incredible movement. The public
gets it, you know, it’s so much anger
and hatred, and just the hatred, right now,
quiet quiet quiet, you know it takes a long time.
And you’re right about that, except this–
You see I know when I should get good
and when I should get bad. Again, I’ll say it.
Again, I make the magical connection between us
and I hope we can connect it, straighten that out
without using anybody else, it’s just us now.
It’s very important to me, especially in this position.
How much longer should we stay here, fellas?
Bottom line: I’m actually having a very good time.
Life is a very big challenge.
People say it is anyway.
And lucky for me, I say,
there’s no good rhyme for orange.
I’m a new kind of poet celebrity,
but the opposite of Muhammad Ali.
I float like an overflowing bucket
of something with flies all over it.
The thing I like about Jared,
he sticks to me like porridge.
But there’s no good rhyme for Jared.
But porridge maybe rhymes with orange.
We’re doing so many fantastic missions,
I mean, really fantastic missions.
Oh, maybe Jared rhymes with jihad,
one of my pre-existing conditions.
Poetry is all about metaphor,
the way two things go together
that don’t seem to go together,
the way peace is a metaphor for war,
the way metaphors are a kind of hat.
I like to use parallel construction,
a kind of collateral destruction
that’s a good example of that.
Chiasmus is a rhetorical figure,
a figure that makes a cross,
like Mike Flynn reaching across
to shake the hand of a Russian.
My favorite of course is hyperbole,
it’s absolutely the best
the greatest rhetorical fist
to raise with your vox populi.
Enormously productive talks
is a good example of rhythm.
Of course I’ll make mistakes
swings like a humid scrotum.
I like going positive negative
in the way I make constructions,
that way I can give
and take back what I gave.
The important thing about poetry
is not to look like you’re trying,
it’s the first thing people see,
is that you aren’t trying.
I grab them by the pussy. Why? Why not.
That’s not to say I wouldn’t if they weren’t.
That’s not to say “stop” isn’t a deterrent.
It’s just to say, I’m President, and you’re not.
Because I’m President, and you’re not,
I don’t give what you say much thought.
I don’t know Caldecott from Walcott,
But Mar-a-Lago’s hotter than Camelot.
I’m an all American boy, you’re a boycott.
I’ve got a heart of gold, you’re a blood clot.
Soon: no reporters, just reportbots™
Programmed to repeat, “You’re President, and I’m not.”
And I am. No puppet! No puppet! No plot
Shall go unpunished, and there is none,
Unless it involves literally everyone
Who’s not President, just like you’re not.
Melania? Man, is she not hot?
I think of her whenever I look at Bannon.
Sometimes I shoot him with a rubber band and
Remind him I’m President, and he’s not.
What’s rotten in the state is rot.
The nation votes, but finds instead
democracy’s the living dead,
and now I’m President. (And now he’s not).
And It Will Get Even Better and Better
Where do his hands go when she sleeps?
Do they pull down his tie, turn down the sheets?
(The obvious rhymes here are weeps and creeps).
Where do his hands go when she sleeps?
Where does his mind go while his hands do these things?
Is he back as a child, alone by the lake,
singing the blues about news that’s not fake?
When his hands do these things, what pleasure it brings.
While I sleep, where do my hands go?
Touching me, touching you, touching my nose,
touching my mouth as the words go away–
that’s as good as it gets, wouldn’t you say?
In space, my hands met, a phenomenal meeting!
They shook, they groped, and fingered their rings,
which, whatever it means, means a lot of things,
like soldiers who are self-defeating.
Today, my hands joined other hands in Congress.
I have to say, it was somewhat of a love nest.
It got better and better, you have to admit–
Wow, that’s a big bird, can I touch it?
When the country sleeps, my hands join in prayer
in the place where discussions are starting to take place
with very special people who stand for different things,
and I have to hand it to them, they really seem to care.
You Enjoyed It Here Maybe More So
Puerto Rico is an island
surrounded by water;
Melania is a woman
and therefore a daughter.
Of course I’ll build a wall;
the wall’s already there.
It’s been there all this time
in desperate need of repair.
The world has so many countries,
that makes it very international.
Your problem here is mental health;
I’m obviously being rational.
Even as we played golf
we talked about a lot of things;
we better not go into it
but I have to tell you we did.
Putins a very great putter
so he must be being sincere;
I never ran for office before,
that must explain why I’m here.
You can only take so many calls
from world leaders who are trying to call;
you can only pick up a signal
if you recognize it’s a signal.
And the press is going crazy
because they’re out of their minds.
There was a lot of love in that room;
I was the only one in the room.
I already did do due diligence
before I was elected.
The wall is just a fence
for re-selling immigrants:
you know, a person who leaves one place
so we’re making a lot of progress;
it’s going to get more special
to settle in another place.
That’s Honestly Not a Factor in My Thinking
I’m a very stable genius
It’s what I’ve always been
Stabler than Putin
Stabler than Ho Chi Minh
I’m the eppy-toam of stable
Good bodied and well able
To look around the table
And count beans from one to ten
And when it comes to genius
It’s no use asking why
Hilary’s not president
I did it on my first try
I am, like, very smart
So why don’t people see
Just as fingers are to art
I am to stability
Like a bridge that spans the waters
Like a father towards his daughters
Like an atom that’s reacting
To the impact that’s impacting
I’m not the one, I’m not the one that falters
I’m a car in cruise control
That doesn’t mind the hole
That opens in the road
Because of all the cold
Just like my calculations
To improve upon relations
With Russia and our ties
Around the necks of allies
It’s a very stable knot
That I’m making very tight
With a point below the belt
Where my feelings are best felt
I’m stable as the lyric
Made up of stable signs
That regretfully accepts
What it happily declines
Like a genius that looks dumb
I’m liked by some, not everyone
Like a terrifying ride you ride
in the name of fun.
I Still Have Some People I Want to Change
Did we catch them in the act, or what.
You know what I’m talking about.
They never thought that they’d get caught.
I’m turning it inside out.
For example, let’s have a shutdown!
It’s worth it for our country!
I’d love to have a shutdown,
That way we can get stuff done!
Don’t look so unhappy,
It’s very un-American.
Don’t you love our country?
Then why would you let them in?
People love the NRA,
People love to blame them.
People in a gun-free zone,
That’s like going in for the ice cream.
I like my targets open and soft
That’s like, “Here I am, take me!”
But schools, I want to make them hard,
like Chinese President Xi.
He’s President for life,
that sounds good to me!
It’s so much fun, it’d be so much fun
To be like Chinese President Xi!
There’s a cooling, and there’s a heating,
I mean, look, all over the place.
We’re like the great sleuth, to find that out,
Like finding a shape in space.
Like finding out that Chaos
Is only great energy!
And energy is needed, forever,
like Chinese President Xi!
People will always come and go,
I’m always seeking perfection,
Like a bullet in a gun-free zone
That goes in the opposite direction.
And you may love it, or you may say
That’s terrible, but listen, that’s me.
I walk between buildings for exercise
Just like Chinese President Xi.
Tonight I Am Your Private Server
What’s the policy going to be?
You’ve seen that, you’ve seen it strongly.
You’re undermisstanding it wrongly.
The one that matters is me.
We don’t need all the people
Is what I tell my people.
We don’t even need a few of them.
When you find some slots, don’t fill them.
When you find your way, get lost.
When you hear the name Manafort, think Hillary.
I’m speaking with myself, number one,
The one that matters, i.e. me.
I’m the only one that matters
because I’ve said a lot of things.
I’ve given away very good towels.
Who makes you madder than me?
I’m not really very involved.
I’d like to let it run itself.
I’m like the umpf in triumph.
I leave trying to someone else.
Some is doing something, hopefully.
I have a very good brain, so we’ll see.
A lot of people are disappointed
that the one that matters is me.
People are very very angry.
That’s something we all have in common!
The American public deserves it!
–The it that’s speaking for me.
There Is No Recovery for Some
Some things are false
Some things are true
Some things are old
Some things are new
Sometimes it’s hot
Sometimes it’s cold
Inside I’m young
Outside I’m mold
Some things I know
Some things I don’t
Some things sink
Sometimes a boat
Sometimes I’m moving
Sometimes I’m stilling
When I object
Sometimes I’m willing
Some things make sense
Some things are crazy
Some people work
And some are lazy
If some are loud
It’s for a reason
If some are silent
Maybe it’s treason
Some things add up
Some things go round
Some can’t believe
And some bow down
Sometimes you take
Sometimes it’s wrong
Sometimes you knew it